Worst song of 2016

OK, here it is, the top three worst songs of 2016! This is an award for the ‘artist’ (or indeed record company who wrote, produced and had a few focus group meetings to make it) who made the most unimaginative, simplistic, cynical manufactured crap of the year. The song that was furthest away from what music really is.

KANYE WEST – FADE

Wow, this track is just seeping with genius, have one line repeated 28 times (no I haven’t counted), then have a screechy voice repeat another line 27 times. There here it comes, the genius, STICK THEM TOGETHER. Wow, we are all in awe Kanye.

An honourable mention Robbie Williams

I was really torn between these two songs, in the end I felt I couldn’t not mention Robbie’s effort, he must have really, really tried to make something as bad as this.  He (and that’s if he did write the lyrics) came up with something that a five year old would if they were given 3 seconds to come up with some lines that rhyme with ‘Party like a Russian’ yep, it rally does go on with; “End of discussion, Dance like it got concussion” I makes no sense,, it’s just cringe worthy to the nth degree. And after that he’s stuck for things to say, hmm I know what things are Russiona? ah yes Russian Dolls, lets stick that in, so “Put a doll inside a doll” what other things are Russian, umm something lile those olly gark things, what are they? “Party like a Russian, oh, Have it like an oligarch

There we go job done, can I have my money please? At this point Robbie must have been delighted when the put the apprentice song as the backing song (no Robbie, it’s NOT THE APPRENTICE SONG!)

If you still have your sanity after listening to that big gay fish called Kanye and you fancy being labotimised then just watch the video below, should do the trick.

Which Hollywood President would be a better President than Donald Trump?

Mind the f#@king gap

Another random rant, utterly pointless you might think but there is always a need to rant about stuff. So this is one that could save people a lot of time EVERY DAY, yes EVERY DAY, assuming you drive a car of course, every day…

Driving Slow

‘He won’t get there any faster”

It stems from the ‘He won’t get there any faster’ attitude toward driving. Well I’ve got news for all the gimps who say that, I’m always there quicker before you, I’ll be on my second tea or third beer by the time you get your fat arse there. It’s the cars you see, in a traffic jam just creeping along leaving a huge gap in front of them, these idiots think that because it won’t get them there any quicker if they don’t close up it won’t affect anyone else. Well it does, leaving a massive gap pushes other cars further back, the further back they are pushed the further back the traffic jam is, then guess what, you have to join a traffic jam and get slowed down for longer, you are just that bit further behind so you miss the changing lights and have to sit there for another 3 minutes, all because some dunce was ambling along totally oblivious to anything outside his/her slow moving mundane world.

It’s these same fucktards who have no idea what is behind them (or indeed in front) who will trundle along at 43mph on a motorway then just carry on in their zombified state through a 30mph zone at 43.

The moral of this pointless rant? It’s that the next time you hear someone say ‘they won’t get there any faster’ you know they are a moron, and you should give them a much deserved punch, IN. THE. FACE. (this will cure them).

Just don’t get too upset or you’ll turn into Ronnie Pickering.

Handing cups of tea to people

Cups of tea have a handle on them. This most people are aware of, however some people are perhaps unaware that the reason for having a handle is to hold the mug when it is hot. So you don’t BURN YOUR FUCKING HAND.

Cup of tea

No Lionel it’s the fucking handle I’m looking for!

When you experience burning your hand on a cup of tea you will quickly come to the conclusion that it is not a pleasant experience that you would like to repeat. If you are a clever person you make make a deduction that other people also do not enjoy the experience of burning their hand. Which brings me to the conclusion that people who (very kindly) make you a cup of tea, hold it by the handle and pass it to you to take are not clever. Why do something so nice as make a cup of tea only to inflict AGONISING PAIN on the person you make it for? Is this some kind of revenge for going through the ordeal of having to make a cup of tea?

Just be nice, make the tea and put it on the table near the other person so they can pick it up with the handle and experience no pain in the process. Simple.

We now have mouse mats!

Kaboom! We’ve just launched a new range of mouse mats, bet you didn’t see that coming…

Like with cigarettes computers can be very harmful to you. To your health, your wallet and your social life. Too many hours sitting in front of a computer can really do bad things for your posture, but that’s not all, it’s your personality you need to worry about. You see computers can be exciting in some situations but on the whole they are pretty dull. Being surrounded by dull things can make you a dull person which is why we’ve done a mouse mat especially for people who spend too much time on their computer which works not only as a mousemat but also as a handy warning about turning into a dull person.

Pornography Mousemat

Warning the internet contains pornography mousemat

There is a slightly darker side to computers and that strange thing they connect to, the internet. It is full of dark stuff, nothing wrong with a bit of porn but just in case you weren’t aware, there is a lot of it on the internet. So if you know someone that is easily offended or spends a suspiciously long time online with the door locked and strange noises emitting from the room.

Whether you like porn or not, computers can be fucking annoying that’s why we thought we’d make a mouse mat to commemorate that fact. Many years ago Bill Gates set out to create a new computer, computers were evolving fast, getting more useful, more productive, easier to use, better looking so he saw something others didn’t.

Annoying computer mousemat

Warning computers are fucking annoying

He saw he needed to put a stop to this, a change was needed, a change in direction for the entire industry, a change for the worse. A computer that was slower, had worse graphics, that was easy, he wanted to go further and create one that was infuriating to use. That’s when Windows was born. Thanks to Bill Gates all of the more efficient and intuitive computers were squeezed out f the market so everyone could feel the pain of Windows.

IBM HAL

Look closely…

Which brings us on to IBM, who were only too happy to help give him the hardware he needed for his evil dreams. IBM makes an appearance in 2001: A Space Odyssey, perhaps a prediction at the time of what Kubrick thought IBM would become way off into the distant future of 2001. But surely the computer that kills most of the main cats couldn’t be an IBM?? Nope it’s called HAL  (9000), just one letter away in the alphabet. Purely coincidental of course…

HAL Mouse Mat

I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave…

So there you have it, a random and slightly fictional account of a bit of the brief history of computers and their trusty friend the mouse, er, mat. Yet we sell mousemats now.

Advertising bullshit: Lloyds bank and their horses

The latest in a long line of sentimental adverts with a accompanied with a slow ‘emotional’ (and inoffensive) song from the likes of Barclays, John Lewis (of course) Sainsbury’s and many other companies who don’t give a shit about you (well John Lewis aren’t too bad actually).

Don Draper

Thinks he is this guy…

This one however is a little bit cleverer than most, think about it, what do people hate at the moment? Yep banks. (Here are five reasons you shouldn’t like them). So asks Mr Marketing Agency Wanker, who thinks he looks like Don Draper but instead looks more like this dickhead on the right proclaims;

“Hmmm what do people like, what is nice and friendly? Hmmm I like cats, no goats, no wait… HORSES, I love HORSES. There was even a film about a horse, not that beautiful black one but the one that saved World War 2, or 1, I can’t remember, it doesn’t matter.

Let’s rip that one off and make people feel warm and fuzzy about horses and stick our logo on at the end while they still feel warm and fuzzy.”

But is more like this guy.

But is more like this guy.

It’s almost as if they thought that if Sainsbury’s can get away with using one of the most horrific and tragic events in recent human history to sell a chocolate bar then this can work for us, especially if we put it in the war and cash in on War Horse at the same time. And the true stroke of genius or (cynical exploitation depending on which way you look at it) by showing a disabled person getting on a horse.

The tag line at the ends which is somehow trying to connect all the warm feelings of horses with your sodding bank is just cringe worthy; “By your side for 250 years”
Yeah at your side for 250 years silently charging you excessive fees to keep you in debt, selling you PPI, avoiding tax and having lovely friends like Rio Tinto and Lockheed Martin.

Just fuck off Lloyds, you aren’t fooling anyone with this crap, I don’t even like horses that much so there is no way you’ll get me.

Random Film Review Calvery

Calvery

Calvery Review

For once I managed to go and see a film knowing absolutely nothing about it. It seems like every time I go to the cinema I always end up reading reviews and pretty much know the everything that is going to happen, or the trailer basically just shows all of the best and key moments of the film. I think the worst offender of this was Cloverfield, although it was one of the best film trailers I’ve seen, starts off as a party at a swanky apartment in New York, the scene lasts a goof few minutes and introduces you to a few of the characters and is actually quite enjoyable, at this point you think it is a film about young people living in New York. Then suddenly BOOM all the shit starts happening, an earthquake, explosions? Then you see fireballs and a giant bloody monster!

A great ‘twist’ for a trailer and it certainly worked in making me go and see it but I just wonder how good the film would have been if I had not sent he trailer and not known anything about it, it’d be settling down into a nice film about young hipsters, and so the shock of seeing a giant monster is far more effective. Seeing a giant monster in a film called Godzilla VS Megabeast isn’t exactly shocking or surprising, but this would have been.

I’m going off on a tangent here but I do get annoyed when I read film reviews and the critic isn’t good enough at his/her job to review the film without basically outlining the whole plot so you figure out the twists and turns before you even get there.
So in light of this for this film review I’m not going to say ANYTHING about the plot, OK, slight spoiler – I’ll give away that there are no giant Godzilla like beasts in this film. The film is pretty much set out in the first scene and it makes you think about the characters, who they are, and what their strange motivations are. All of them have slightly disturbing streaks to them, but despite this you actually grow to like them all despite knowing one has something really dark to hide. And that’s the beauty of the film, it makes you analyse and get into each of the characters and in some ways sympathise with them.

The Guardian describes this as a ‘terrific dark comedy’ hmmm well er no I wouldn’t go with the dark comedy bit but it certainly is terrific. There are some funny moments but a comedy it ain’t!

Brenden Gleeson is superb and really fits the role of the hardened good priest but the rest of the cast do a great job to making you belive in their slightly twisted characters in particular Aidan Gillen of the Wire fame (I knew I recognised him from somewhere) is the most outwardly strange of them but he pulls it of superbly.

It’s a film that carries you along for the first half an hour and slowly lets the suspense build and build until the ending which is set up from the first scene. Telling you what day it is every day of the film only adds to it, bringing the Sunday of reckoning closer and closer.

I’d thoroughly recommend Calvery.

Calvery Film Review

Brendon Gleeson and Kelly Reilly

GCHQ spies on and stores images of naked children

Metro Newspaper

At least the Metro made something of it

Whilst the news still clamours around the phone hacking scandal and everyone is outraged about some shite newspaper ‘hacking’ phones of newsworthy people (the hacking part involved someone knowing the standard four digit passcode for voicemails which is the same unless changed by the user), GCHQ goes on the rampage and actuaally puts a camera in your home to watch you.

Just think about that for a minute. When people talk about Big Brother they often say “what will be next? A camera in your home??” Errr well it won’t be next as it’s already happened, THEY have actually done this. With an Englishman’s home being his castle this was always something that was a step too far, yes CCTV everywhere in public but not in the privacy of your own home.

If they ever did it would only be for

William Vague

“Law abiding citizens have nothing to fear”

terror suspects of course who were an imminent treat to the pubic, just as William Hague said “law abiding citizens have nothing to fear“. Hmm well again another mistruth. As fresh information has come out from the Edward Snowden files the ‘Optic Nerve‘ program has been indiscriminately tapping into Yahoo Messenger webcam sessions. Not terrorists, not the Mafia, not North Korea but anyone, literally anyone from your granny making a video call to her grandchildren, to some fat old guy with his wang out.

I find it hard to fathom how little attention this has got in the media, the fact that 3-11% of the images STORED by GCHQ had ‘undesirable nudity’ (does this mean there was desirable nudity?), due to the mass scale of the collection this WILL include children as well as adults. So what we have here is GCHQ collecting and storing pornographic images of children, and what is done about it? Nothing. Why is there not an arrest warrant out for Iain Lobban and William Hague who claims to know what goes on in GCHQ?

Undesirable nuditySadly I think most of the British public just don’t get it, and will happily fall for whatever ‘National Security’ excuses are made.

It’s Ironic that in the Labour years they appeared to be the Socialist Big Brother, Nanny state party. The Liberal Democrats who fight for civil liberties would never allow this to go on, and neither would the Conservative Party who stand for the individual and hate state interference. Surely if a ConDem Government got into power all of this disgusting behavior would be reigned in? Well I’m afraid not, and if these two parties that stand for liberties and freedom appear to be jealous of the way China operates act like this then what hope do we have when Labour get back in…

Just get back in line and do not question authority.

 

 

Sochi 2014 T Shirt

I thought it would be appropriate to add something to the site on the Olympic Games taking place in Russia, we’ve ll heard about the views they have their on homosexuals so perhaps the games will help welcome Russia into at least the 20th Century, I’m not sure how Putin can stand his beloved Mother Russia being ridiculed for being shall we say a little bit backwards. Continue reading

Eat Sleep Rave Repeat

So I was out  clubbing the other night, it’s been a while since I had a ‘proper’ night, yeah every weekend I’ll be out drinking till three which is fun but only in a limited way compared to a proper night. I was thinking about it since I bought the tickets, and after how things are just so much better for living that kind of lifestyle, I’m sure there are many people who feel the same, remembering back to your clubbing days when you were (a bit?) younger, didn’t have to worry about your boring job, or paying bills, looking after kids, keeping the wife/husband happy. Just you, a group of great mates all having an awesome time thinking it would never end. Continue reading